Tale of Woe
by GothTrekkie
Summary: We all know the tale of Juliet and her Romeo, but the tale of even more woe is that of Romeo and his Mercutio. A crack-ish parody in which Romeo is actually in love with Mercutio. Slash!
1. Act One

**Disclaimer: **

**This is a random crackish parody I wrote after reading Romeo and Juliet for school. It is written in screenplay format, stage directions are in italics. This is slash, Romeo/Mercutio so if you don't like that, don't read this! Juliet is not even really a character in this. Also, I know I used Elizabethan English weird/wrong, this is a parody. **

_We all know the tale of Juliet and her Romeo, but the tale even more woe is that of Romeo and his Mercutio._

Scene One  
><em>Enter Romeo and Benvolio.<em>

ROMEO  
>Alas… it is a sad day. I am very sad… I sigh a great sigh of sadness and pity upon myself… I'm sad, Benvolio.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Why art thou so saddened?<p>

ROMEO  
>I don't want to talk about it. I'm thinking of going to yonder "Hot Topic" and becoming an emo kid. They understand the depths of my pain.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Art thou in love, Romeo?<p>

ROMEO  
>Aye. Er no…<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Canst thou be more specific?<p>

ROMEO  
>I love a… woman…<p>

BENVOLIO  
>I guessed as much.<p>

ROMEO  
>Her name is… Rosaline. She's pretty but she doesn't want me. Thus that is the reason for my emo-ness, not some other darker reason I am keeping a secret. This is not a mere ploy to distract you from what's really going on with me. And Rosaline isn't made up to distract you from where my affections truly lie!<p>

BENVOLIO  
>I never suspected such…<p>

ROMEO  
>Oh, good then. We needn't talk of this anymore.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>No. Hey, I heard old man Capulet is throwing a sweet party tonight. You wanna crash it?<p>

ROMEO  
>Sounds like a jolly good time!<p>

BENVOLIO  
>And perhaps you'll forget about Rosaline.<p>

ROMEO  
>Rosanne.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>No I'm quite sure it was Rosaline.<p>

ROMEO  
>Oh, yes, but of course. Rosaline. My female love. For I am a male.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>I never doubted it… Shall we invite Mercutio to the party?<p>

ROMEO  
>Ah, brave Mercutio, yes, do invite him. T'would not be a party without him!<p>

* * *

><p>Scene Two<br>_Enter Romeo, Benvolio, and Mercutio. They walk up to the street of the Capulet house where loud hip hop/ dance music can be heard from outside as well as people laughing and talking. Party lights are flashing. _

BENVOLIO  
>Now remember, when we get to the door just say "We're on the list" and when he goes to look, point in the sky and shout "look! A Montague!" Then run inside.<p>

ROMEO  
>I don't feel good about this.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Why? Art thou a chicken? Frightened to sneak into parties. Romeo, thou art a little girl. A very pretty little girl.<p>

ROMEO  
>I had a dream… you were in it.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I had a dream too and as were you in mine. I had a dream that you weren't such a little girl! But we all know that won't come true!<p>

ROMEO  
>My dream was so real though.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Ah, then it seems that Lady Gaga hath been with you!<p>

ROMEO  
>Lady Gaga?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Yes! Lady Gaga! She goes into your head whilst you sleep and creates confusing and elaborate music videos inside your mind! Lovers dream of having a Bad Romance whilst the gambler dreams of donning his Poker Face! The vain dream of the Paparazzi and being Telephoned! Carefree youth dream of Just Dancing! Whilst the confused dream of Alejandro, Roberto, and Fernando and being on the right track for they were born that way, baby!<p>

_Mercutio has walked off into a back alley and looks completely crazed, yelling, and almost foaming at the mouth. Romeo has followed him, leaving behind Benvolio. Romeo puts a hand on Mercutio's shoulder. Mercutio turns around to face him, still crazed. _

ROMEO  
>Peace, Mercutio! Peace! Thou talkst of nothing!<p>

_Mercutio calms down and rests his forehead against Romeo's. Romeo puts his hands on Mercutio's cheeks._

ROMEO  
><em>(Whispers)<br>_Thou talkst of nothing…

MERCUTIO  
>Yes… I talkst of dreams… nothing…<p>

_They stand there; staring into each other's eyes for a few seconds before Romeo tentatively leans in and kisses Mercutio who kisses back. They separate and stare at each other._

ROMEO  
>I'm sorry… I-<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Shhh. Benvolio is coming.<p>

_Enter Benvolio. _

BENVOLIO  
>Art thou coming or not! We burnest the moonlight!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Aye, we're coming.<p>

ROMEO  
>Aye.<p>

_They all walk off towards the Capulet house._

* * *

><p>Scene Three<p>

_Romeo, Mercutio, and Benvolio enter the party. "Friday" plays._

BENVOLIO  
>Oh yeah! This is my jam!Partying, partying yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun! Weekend! Weekend!<p>

_Romeo and Mercutio glare at Benvolio as he dances. They walk away, he does not notice. _

MERCUTIO  
>I am going to grab something to drink. Wouldst thou like anything?<p>

ROMEO  
>No, but thank you.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I shall return hence.<p>

_Mercutio walks across the room to get food. He pushes many people out of the way to get to the drinks. Romeo watches him._

ROMEO  
>O, he doth teach the torches to burn bright! It seems he hangs upon the cheek of night as a rich jewel in an Ethiop's ear. Beauty too rich for use, for Earth too dear. So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows. Did my heart love till now? Foreswear it, sight, for I ne'er saw true beauty till this night. But he is a man and so am I. Damn this impossible love! Yet, did his lips not so sweetly press against mine own? Ah conflicting clarity! Ah right-feeling wrong!<p>

_Mercutio comes back. _

ROMEO  
>Come hither, let us go over yonder.<p>

_They walk into a discreet corner. _

ROMEO  
>My apologies for before—<p>

MERCUTIO  
>'Twas but a kiss. 'Twas not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door, but t'was enough. 'Twill serve.<p>

_Romeo takes Mercutio's face in his hands._

ROMEO  
>No, 'twas deeper.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>…Aye…<p>

_They kiss. Romeo pulls away. _

ROMEO  
>Mercutio. Brave, gentle, Mercutio. We cannot do this.<p>

_Mercutio pulls away and lets go of Romeo. _

MERCUTIO  
>But… I do believe I am in love with you.<p>

ROMEO  
>As am I with you!<p>

_They kiss. Mercutio pulls away._

MERCUTIO  
>Oh sweet conflicting love! Romeo!<p>

_Mercutio bursts into song, singing "Decode" by Paramore._

MERCUTIO  
><em>(Sings)<br>_How can I decide what's right When you're clouding up my mind? Can't win your losing fight all the time. Not gonna ever own what's mine when you're always taking sides. You won't take away my pride. No, not this time. Not this time.

How did we get here? When I use to know you so well. How did we get here? Well, I think I know.

The truth is hiding in your eyes and it's hanging on your tongue, just boiling in my blood. But

you think that I can't see what kind of man that you are if you're a man at all. Well, I will figure this one out on my own. On my own. I'm screaming "I love you so..." But my thoughts you can't decode.

How did we get here? When I use to know you so well. How did we get here? Well, I think I know.

Do you see what we've done? We've gone and made such fools of ourselves. Do you see what we've done? We've gone and made such fools of ourselves.

How did we get here? When I use to know you so well. How did we get here? Well, I think I know. I think I know. I think I know! There is something I see in you, it might kill me I want it to be true.

ROMEO  
>It is true.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>You fickle little girl! Inconstant as the wind! Doth thou love me or not!<p>

ROMEO  
>I love thee.<p>

_Enter Tybalt_

TYBALT  
>Mercutio! What art thou doing here? And in the arms of a Montague! Hast thou brought a Montague into the house of Capulet?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Oh, hello, fair Tybalt. Dost thou not know that I now consort with the Montagues?<p>

TYBALT  
>I ought to slay you both!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>O now Tybalt. 'Twould be in vain, for between us, we both know who hath the larger sword. And Romeo could easily put us both to shame.<p>

_Tybalt and Romeo blush. _

TYBALT  
>Very well then, good Mercutio. Carry on and the best of luck to both of you. But don't let me catch you two crashing my parties again!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>'Twon't be a problem again. In fact, we should be leaving shortly.<p>

_They walk away from Tybalt._

ROMEO  
>Who was that? How dost thou know him?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Ah, but Tybalt. Or Prince of Cats as I used to call him.<p>

ROMEO  
>But how dost thou—<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Ex-boyfriend.<p>

ROMEO  
>Ah. But why Prince of Cats?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Some things are best left unsaid, Romeo my dear.<p>

_Enter Benvolio._

BENVOLIO  
>Marry, let us go. This party is lame.<p>

ROMEO  
>Yes. We should go. Excuse me, please for a moment. I shall hence shortly; go along without me.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>If thou insists. Come, Mercutio.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Romeo, goest thou to weep? Well, one cannot spell Romeo without emo.<p>

ROMEO  
>And love is but evol spelled backwards.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Come now, Mercutio, if he wishes to be alone he shall be alone.<p>

_Exit Benvolio and Mercutio. Romeo runs to the backdoor and takes off down the street, pausing when he is sure Mercutio and Benvolio are not there._

ROMEO  
>Can I go forward when my heart is here? Turn back, dull earth, and find thy center out.<p>

_Romeo runs away as Benvolio and Mercutio enter._

BENVOLIO  
>Romeo! Get back here! Mercutio, are you sure nothing happened to make him so sad?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Not that I am aware. Perhaps he hath fallen in love… with a woman. Perhaps 'twas lady Juliet Capulet… And that's a totally plausible scenario despite the fact that they would have just met tonight for five minutes. This is in no way a ploy to cover up some more secretive matter.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>…I never suspected as such.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Then you art a fine good marksman! Romeo! Little Girl! Madman! Passion! Lover! Appear thou to me in the likeness of a sigh!<p>

BENVOLIO  
>I'm sure he's fine. Let the poor man to his bed.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Ah, to his bed yes but not to sleep. To rid of his lust. That is why our Romeo be alone behind closed door.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>I would tell you not to speak of him like that but I have known you for far too long.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Oh, 'tis not too long.<p>

**Like it so far? Reviews would be greatly appreciated. :)**


	2. Act Two

**Disclaimer: parody, slash, crackiness, Friar Lawrence's senile ramblings, Benvolio's unhealthy obsession with _Friday_ by Rebecca Black. **

Balcony Scene!  
><em>Enter Romeo into Mercutio's yard. His house is labeled. A light goes on in Mercutio's upstairs bedroom. <em>

ROMEO  
>But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Mercutio is the sun.<p>

_Mercutio walks out on his balcony. _

MERCUTIO  
>O, Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo! Doth thy gender and refuse thy name, or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn by my love, and I'll no longer be a man.<p>

ROMEO  
>Did we have sex changes back then? Ne'er mind! Mercutio! I be right here.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I say! What the hell are you doing in my garden! Thou beslubbering dizzy-eyed stalker!<p>

ROMEO  
>Hast thou not been saying "Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I deny nothing. Thy simply hath startled me. Come hither; do not just stand amongst the pansies, although you do look ravishing amongst your own kind.<p>

ROMEO  
>Thou lookest ravishing in the pale moon light.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Thou makest me blush!<p>

_Romeo climbs a tree up to the balcony and jumps into Mercutio's arms._

MERCUTIO  
>I now envy the tree, for it has had you inside of it.<p>

ROMEO  
>If thou wish, thou may soon be that tree.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Doth thou love me?<p>

ROMEO  
>I—I have never felt like this before. I am especially confused, thou being a man. But I do know one thing. Nothing could tear me away from you right now. I want to stay with you forever. I see so much beauty in your eyes and feel so much safety in your embrace. So much passion in your kiss.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Wish you to feel that passion again?<p>

ROMEO  
>Please do!<p>

_They kiss excessively. _

ROMEO  
>How can a love so forbidden be strong?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>The danger makes it more lovely. Stony limits cannot keep love out.<p>

ROMEO  
>Double entendre?<p>

MERCUTIO  
><em>(Shrugs)<br>_If thou wishes it to be. I use them so much I cannot even tell anymore.

ROMEO  
>Nor can I. All I know is that I am happier laying here under the stars with you then I ever have been.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>When one wears tights it is not hard to tell when one is happy.<p>

_They kiss. _

MERCUTIO  
>Romeo, willst thou go steady with me?<p>

ROMEO  
>'Twould be an honor! But no one must know! You I trust to be able to hide your emotions, but should people sense some unrest in myself, we shall tell them it is someone else… a woman.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Aye, Juliet of the house of Capulet.<p>

ROMEO  
>Why her?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>For I have already told Benvolio she is what is troubling you!<p>

ROMEO  
>Clever Mercutio. Does thou think we will be able to keep this secret up?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I don't see why not. Tybalt and I kept it up for almost a year ere we spilt. No one knows to this day; only you, me, Tybalt, and the floor boards.<p>

_They kiss._

ROMEO  
>I never want to leave you.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>If my kinsmen find us like this, who knows what they will think! We must be careful.<p>

ROMEO  
>Then let them find us. I would rather die here in your arms than leave you now.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>You disgust me! You art like one of those star crossed teenage girls in love! Thou will be plucking flowers later saying "He loves me, he loves me not!" Thou wilt stare at thy own reflection and blush, counting the moments till you see me again! Have I fallen for a man or a pathetic little girl? Thou who hast kissed me first and apologized like a frightened puppy!<p>

ROMEO  
>Thou art more of a girl than I, thou! Thou who hast professed your love for me and thou who goes crying "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?"<p>

_Mercutio's servant calls from within._

SERVINGMAN  
>Mercutio! Mercutio!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I must go!<p>

ROMEO  
>Oh please don't leave me!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I shall see thee tomorrow! I promise! Tis almost morning; it will not be long now.<p>

ROMEO  
>Parting is such sweet sorrow.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I don't see it. I think it just pretty much sucks.<p>

ROMEO  
>Perhaps thou art right. Parting sucks. However that is far less poetic.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Ah, but who needs poetry? This is much better.<p>

_They kiss as Romeo jumps over the balcony wall. _

ROMEO  
>Until next time, my love!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>You should be in bed, young lady.<p>

Scene Two  
><em>Romeo and Benvolio are walking through the market place.<em>

ROMEO  
>Where is good Mercutio?<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Calmest thou down! He shall be here. Thee have simply roused us very early.<p>

_Romeo sighs. Mercutio enters. _

MERCUTIO  
>Romeo! Fair Romeo! You tottering idle-headed dewberry!<p>

ROMEO  
>Mercutio! Thou art a fawning elf-skinned mumble-news!<p>

_They embrace._

BENVOLIO  
>Now we all art here. What shall we do today?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Must you keep yakking on? We shall just take a stroll around Verona! See where life takes us! Unless Romeo art so emo that he insist we go crawl into a dark alley and weep.<p>

ROMEO  
>It is only you that shalt be so emo, Mercutio. Whining for me like a small child for its mother.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Gleeking common-kissing harpy!<p>

ROMEO  
>Pribbling tickle-brained foot-licker! How I doth hate you!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Not as much as I doth hate you, I! I hate you as much as the night hates the sun!<p>

ROMEO  
>I loathe you as the Earth hates the stars for their beauty.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I despise you as dog hates his fleas, as a wondering mind hates sleep, as a love hates all on this wretched earth!<p>

ROMEO  
>Oh darkening sunlight! Oh hating love! Oh sweet sorrow! I hate thou as if thee were a Capulet!<p>

_They kiss angrily then passionately. Benvolio stares._

ROMEO  
>Oh conflicting clarity. Did Benvolio just see that?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Crap.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Am I to take this gesture as you telling me that you are star-crossed lovers?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Oh not by the stars, Benvolio, compare our love to nothing for nothing can adequately display my affections for fair Romeo.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>But thou canst be married. Tis sin!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Tis but a small sin compared to others we have and shall commit. We need not marry to be happy; do we now, Romeo?<p>

ROMEO  
>Marriage is for squares.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>And we do not wish to be quadrilaterals. Quadrilaterals cannot kiss as such.<p>

_They kiss._

ROMEO  
>Benvolio, art thou not disgusted? Thou need not talk to us again if thou wish.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>You are my two best friends! What kind of friend would I be to abandon you just because you are more than friends to each other? Just promise me one thing.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Yes, noble Benvolio?<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Do invite me to the wedding. It shall be spectacular.<p>

ROMEO  
>Aye, under the full moon with red roses lining the cobblestone path. The night wind blowing a gentle kiss upon thine cheek. There shall we kiss under the stars, never to part again.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Dreamer Romeo, thou knowest we canst be wed.<p>

ROMEO  
>I shall try to. I shall give my life for it; for even if we die in trying, we die together and that's all that matters.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I had another dream last night.<p>

ROMEO  
>And what was it, my love?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I dreamt a dream inside a dream inside a dream. I dreamt you and I were together, married, and we were waiting for a train. A train that will take us far away. We know where we hope this train will take us, but we don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter, because we'll be together. Romeo... what is a train?<p>

ROMEO  
>I know not. Perhaps you had too much to drink at that party last night.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I believe rather I was intoxicated by you.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>I'm still here, you know.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Have you not the decency to walk away when such conversations are held?<p>

BENVOLIO  
>I was simply asking for invitation should such an event as your wedding occur.<p>

ROMEO  
>Oh you shall be the only witness. Come, dear Mercutio, hence with me to Friar Lawrence!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Do I look like an altar boy? Why would I go to Church?<p>

ROMEO  
>Just come! Anon!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Oh, alright. Fair thee well, Benvolio. We shall see thee later.<p>

_Romeo and Mercutio exit._

BENVOLIO  
>I do fear I now art the third wheel.<p>

Scene Three  
><em>Romeo and Mercutio enter Friar Lawrence's cell.<em>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Oh I am all alone in my cell and I am talking out loud. I talk to myself all night. I talk to myself all day. Why do I talk to myself thou doth ask? Well, young reader, it is because I am crazy! Yes, yes, I can ramble on for pages about nothing at all whilst talking to no one but the open air! I am so crazy and talk to myself so often that high schoolers and actors alike all dread having to memorize my monologues. I can talk about the sun! It is rising! It is beautiful! And death will always eat up even the most beautiful of flowers. That's my foreshadowing thematic statement. There, I'm done. Romeo, thou canst come in now.<p>

ROMEO  
>Good morrow, Father.<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>I told you! I'm not your father!<p>

ROMEO  
>No, I mean Holy Father. You're a friar art thou not?<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Oh, oh, yes. But of course. Now, tell me, young Romeo, what canst I do for you and fair Mercutio.<p>

ROMEO  
>Oh, blessed Father! Answer me this! Canst a man marry another man?<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Gasp! Tis sin! But, if thou wishes to marry fair Mercutio, I shalt not protest.<p>

ROMEO  
>Oh! Thank you, blessed father! T'would be wondrous.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Art thou going to cry, Madame Romeo? What makes thou think I would consent to marry a wretched man like thee?<p>

ROMEO  
>Because, I'll wash the dishes and do the laundry.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Really? What are we waiting for? Let's do this!<p>

Scene Four  
><em>Enter Romeo and Mercutio into the market place where Benvolio is hanging out.<em>

ROMEO  
>Oh happy, happy day!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Needs thou a thesaurus? Thou doth sound like a broken record.<p>

ROMEO  
>Benvolio! Friar Lawrence hath agreed to marry me to Mercutio!<p>

BENVOLIO  
>That is very weird! Nevertheless, I shall come! When is the vow to be exchanged?<p>

ROMEO  
>Tomorrow!<p>

BENVOLIO  
>But tomorrow is Friday!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Oh noble Benvolio, your observation skills know no bounds.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Yes, and as is such, I shall bring a song that thou shalt walk down the aisle to. I shall give thee a hint. It involves waking up in the morning, cereal, and fun, fun, fun, fun.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Death come takest me now! And bring thesauri! For there is more than one way to say "fun"!<p>

Scene Five  
><em>Enter Mercutio, Romeo, and Benvolio into Friar Lawrence's cell.<em>

MERCUTIO  
>Canst we get this over with?<p>

ROMEO  
>We mustn't rush this. After all, our wedding will only happen once.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Blah blah blah.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Romeo is right, Mercutio, you shall want to remember this forever.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I shall want to forget you forever should you be annoying on this occasion.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>I shalt not intrude. Merely bear witness.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Then hand over<em> Friday<em>.

BENVOLIO  
>What talkest you about?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Thou knowest what I talkest about! Now hand it over ere I stab thee.<p>

_Mercutio draws his sword._

ROMEO  
>Put that away! No need for weapons at a wedding.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Weapons are always needed when Rebecca Black is involved!<p>

_Benvolio hands over his Friday CD._

MERCUTIO  
>Thank you.<p>

_Mercutio throws the CD on the ground and stomps on it until it is in little pieces. Benvolio looks on in horror._

MERCUTIO  
>Now we shall proceed. Yo! Friar! Get out here and marry me already! I've only been waiting all my life!<p>

_Enter Friar Lawrence._

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Yes. Well then, are you quite certain you want to go through with this?<p>

ROMEO  
>Most certain, Friar.<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>You do understand that no one must ever know of this. If they do, all of us will be killed. You must lead a life of secrecy and sorrow.<p>

ROMEO  
>Come what sorrow can, it cannot countervail the exchange of joy that one short minute gives me in his sight. Do thou but close our hands with holy words, then love-devouring death do what he dare; it is enough I may but call him mine.<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>That might be all you get, for these violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss, consume. The sweetest honey is loathsome in its own deliciousness and in the taste confounds the appetite. Therefore love moderately. Long love doth so. Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>What the hell is he rambling on about now?<p>

ROMEO  
>I know not. Perhaps he is old and crazy.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>He does seem to talk to himself rather frequently.<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Anyways… Do you, Romeo Montague, take Mercutio Escalus to be your unlawfully wedded husband?<p>

ROMEO  
>I do.<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>And do you, Mercutio Escalus, take Romeo Montague to be your unlawfully wedded husband?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>You know I do.<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Very well. You may kiss the… groom…<p>

_Romeo and Mercutio kiss. Benvolio applauds. _

BENVOLIO  
>Ya! Woo! Congratulations! It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get married on Fri—<p>

_Mercutio draws his sword and points it at Benvolio whilst still kissing Romeo. Benvolio stops singing and backs away. Friar Lawrence watches Romeo and Mercutio regretfully and then turns to exit._

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Oh, what have I done?<p>

**Did I make you laugh? Review please! :)**


	3. Act Three

**Sorry it took me so long to get this act up... it takes a while to format so I get lazy. Hope you enjoy!**

Act Three  
>Scene One<p>

_Mercutio is lying in his bed alone._

MERCUTIO  
>If only Romeo were here. Alas, we cannot be discovered. If only there was some way that we could fake our deaths and run off together… wait… yes, yes…<p>

* * *

><p>Scene Two<br>_It is night. Mercutio stands in front of the Capulet house. He throws a stone at a second story window._

MERCUTIO  
>Tybalt!<br>_  
>Throws another stone. <em>

MERCUTIO  
>Tybalt!<p>

_He throws a comedically large boulder out of nowhere. The window shatters and Tybalt runs over to look outside._

MERCUTIO  
>Tybalt!<p>

TYBALT  
>Mercutio! What the bloody hell are you doing! Why the hell would you throw a boulder—it's the middle of the—you could have—you're my—what do you want?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Oh, Prince of Cats, I needest your help.<p>

TYBALT  
>What couldst thou need my help with?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>As you have probably surmised, I am in a relationship with Romeo Montague. Earlier today, we were wed.<p>

TYBALT  
>Well… congratulations. May I go now?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>May I come in? It is rude to not invite one in when he has walked all the way across the street in the middle of the night to come see you.<p>

TYBALT  
>It is rude for one to break the window of one's ex-boyfriend!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Let us not shout these things for all to hear. Just let me in! I promise I shall be quick.<p>

_Tybalt sighs and disappears from the window. A couple seconds later, the front door opens to reveal Tybalt. Mercutio goes in._

MERCUTIO  
>Thank you, kind sir.<p>

_Mercutio and Tybalt walk back up to Tybalt's room._

TYBALT  
>What is it that you want?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>A favor, dear, dear Tybalt.<p>

TYBALT  
>What kind of favor? Why would I do my ex a favor?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>For the sake of love both old and new. I wish to run away with Romeo like we never could. Now I have devised a brilliant plan on how to achieve such a task. But I require your help. You will fake a duel with me in which I will acquire fake blood and feign death. You shall then tell my Romeo that I am still alive and instruct him to leave a suicide note on his bed and runway, free me from the Escalus vault, and run away to West Hollywood with me.<p>

TYBALT  
>Why West Hollywood?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I fear that is the only place we shall be accepted. Now, will you do it, Tybalt?<p>

TYBALT  
>Yes, I shall help you, Mercutio. I wish you the best of luck with your new life. I only wish things had gone as well for us.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Don't worry, fair Tybalt, thou shall find love. Or death. One of the two.<p>

TYBALT  
>Let us pray it be love. Now, where shall we fake our duel?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Tomorrow at the prick of noon in the marketplace.<p>

TYBALT  
>Very well then. I shall see thee there. Fare thee well, brave Mercutio.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Fare thee well, noble Tybalt.<p>

_Mercutio kisses him quickly and exits._

TYBALT  
>I do say I've been kissed by a married man!<p>

* * *

><p>Scene Three<br>_The next day. Enter Mercutio and Benvolio to the market place._

BENVOLIO  
>Mercutio, where be thy Romeo? I haven't seen him today.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>My husband shall be here shortly.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Mercutio! Do not talk like that so loudly! Someone may hear thou!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Men's ears were meant to hear so let them listen! By my heal I do not care! Let me shout it out loud. I, Mercutio Escalus, am married to—<p>

_Benvolio puts a hand over his mouth. Mercutio brushes him off._

MERCUTIO  
>Killjoy.<p>

_Enter Tybalt._

TYBALT  
>Mercutio! I have come to fight thee for a crashing the Capulet party.<p>

_Mercutio draws his sword._

MERCUTIO  
>Gladly, for I caused no such trouble! You are the only one causing trouble.<p>

BENVOLIO  
>Mercutio! Please, keep the peace! Thou canst not do this! Think of Romeo! What would he say?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>He would say, "Go get him, darling!"<p>

BENVOLIO  
>I hardly believe.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Bring it on, oh Prince of Cats! Canst thou not defeat me?<p>

TYBALT  
>I shall send thee to thy grave!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I'd like to see thou try.<p>

_Tybalt charges at Mercutio, sword drawn, and stabs him. Mercutio winks at Tybalt, then falls over and blood pools around him. Enter Romeo, who, upon seeing the scene, becomes horrified._

BENVOLIO  
>Mercutio!<p>

ROMEO  
>Mercutio!<p>

_Romeo runs over and kneels by Mercutio._

ROMEO  
>Mercutio! I—I—<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Shh. Shh. Tis alright, love. Tis but a scratch. I pray you, tomorrow look for me and thou shall find me a grave man. A plague on both your houses! …They have made worms meat… of me…<p>

_Mercutio dies._

ROMEO  
><em>(Screams)<br>_Mercutio! No! Noooooo!

_Romeo begins to sob and then stands angrily, glaring at Tybalt._

ROMEO  
>Thou hath slain Mercutio! Mercutio whose life I tender more dearly than mine own!<p>

_Romeo draws his sword._

ROMEO  
>Now I or thee or both must go with him!<p>

_Romeo runs up to Tybalt, screaming, and tries to stab him. Tybalt jumps back._

TYBALT  
>Romeo! Stop! It's not what it looks like! I must talk to you! Hear me out! Wait! Don't! Mercutio is not really—<p>

_Romeo stabs Tybalt, killing him. He steps back from the bleeding corpse and begins to sob._

BENVOLIO  
>Romeo…<p>

_Romeo runs away crying and exits._

BENVOLIO  
>Wait! Romeo! Don't do anything stupid!<p>

**Hopefully it won't take me as long to get the next act up. Thanks for reading and please please review!**


	4. Act Four

**Okay, it took me a while but here it is! The final act! Enjoy! (PS the ending won't be as funny if you haven't seen Inception...)**

Act Four  
>Scene One<br>_Romeo is on the floor of Friar Lawrence's cell, curled up in fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably. _

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Good God man! Stand up! Thy tears are womanish!<p>

ROMEO  
><em>(Sobs)<br>_He's dead! He's dead! My true love is dead!

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Romeo, there are other fish in the sea. This is just proof that God doesn't want two men to get married. It was never meant to work out. Perhaps next time you can do it right, with a fine young woman.<p>

_Romeo leaps to his feet and draws a dagger, pointing it at his own chest._

ROMEO  
>Don't you dare speak of my marriage like that or I will not hesitate to let this dagger take me back to him!<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Alright. Alright. Calm down.<p>

_Friar Lawrence takes the dagger from Romeo._

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Cry to thy heart's content.<p>

_Romeo continues to cry. Friar Lawrence sighs and exits._

* * *

><p>Scene Two<br>_Mercutio is lying out in the Escalus vault. He sits up._

MERCUTIO  
>That rash idiot! He hath slain my ex-boyfriend! But that is not important. I must get to him ere he does something else stupid!<p>

_Mercutio gets up, kicks down the door to the vault, and runs out._

* * *

><p>Scene Three<br>_Mercutio runs into Friar Lawrence's cell. He pounds desperately on the door. Inside, Friar Lawrence goes to answer the door._

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Who knocks so loud?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Let me in!<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Who is it?<p>

MERCUTIO  
>It's the bloody Queen of England! Who do you think it is? It's Mercutio!<p>

_Friar Lawrence opens the door. Mercutio goes in._

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>I thought thou were dead!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>And I still think thou art crazy. Where be my husband?<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>He is in the backroom, sobbing like a little girl.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I should have guessed as much.<p>

_Mercutio walks quickly past Friar Lawrence and into the backroom. He lies down behind Romeo who is too busy sobbing to notice._

MERCUTIO  
>Boo!<p>

_Romeo turns around and screams._

ROMEO  
>Tis a ghost! Holy Father! Help! Call Ghostbusters!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>No, no my love! Tis me! Tis not a ghost! I'm here. I'm alive.<p>

ROMEO  
>I saw thee bleed out on the street!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>T'was but fake blood. T'was but a movie prop!<p>

ROMEO  
>But… I avenged you…<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I know. You really messed that up now didn't you? Tybalt was simply trying to help us but you would not listen! But don't worry about it; what's done is done. No use crying over dead ex-boyfriends.<p>

ROMEO  
>I—I thought I would never see you again! I—I love you!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>I love you too.<p>

_They kiss._

MERCUTIO  
>Now get up, thy tears are womanish.<p>

_Mercutio pulls Romeo up off the floor and wipes away his tears._

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>That's what I've been trying to tell him! But no one ever listens to me!<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Hence, my fair Romeo, my love. Let us away. Thou shall be banished for killing Tybalt anyways and I am thought to be dead, so let us just run away together in the cover of night. My plan may work after all!<p>

ROMEO  
>Oh yes, Mercutio! I shall go anywhere with thee! You are my world! My sun, my moon, my air, all I need.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>As you are to me. Now hurry, let's go before the sun doth ruin our plans.<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Be careful mind you!<p>

ROMEO  
>We will be. And please do tell good Benvolio that we are alright and what we have done. He deserves to know we are alive.<p>

FRIAR LAWRENCE  
>Anon I will send a letter to him by way of a friar on a donkey. He will be sure to get it.<p>

ROMEO  
>Thank you, Holy Father.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Come, love, the world awaits us!<p>

_Romeo and Mercutio clasp hands and run out of Friar Lawrence's and keep running out of Verona. _

* * *

><p>Scene Four<br>_Romeo and Mercutio are walking through a sunny field in the middle of nowhere, holding hands._

MERCUTIO  
>If my calculations are correct, we should arrive in West Hollywood in a day, my love.<p>

ROMEO  
>I care not if it takes one hundred days as long as I am with you!<p>

_They kiss._

ROMEO  
>Tell me your dream again.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Well, I was in the middle of the marketplace when suddenly I found that I wasn't wearing any pants—<p>

ROMEO  
>No, not that dream! The one about the train.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>As yes. That one. Very well, I dreamt a dream inside a dream inside a dream. I dreamt you and I were together, married, and we were waiting for a train. A train that will take us far away. We know where we hope this train will take us, but we don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter, because we'll be together.<p>

ROMEO  
>I like that dream. I only wish I knew what a train was.<p>

MERCUTIO  
>Me too. Come, our new life awaits us; let us skip off into the sun.<p>

_They lock arms, clasp hands, and skip off across the field. A train comes out of nowhere and runs them over, instantly killing them._

For never was a story of more woe than this of Romeo and his Mercutio.

**You didn't think I was going to let them live, did you? ;P Oh well, at least they died a comedic death and they were together :)**

**Let me know what you think, please review! Thanks for reading! :D**


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